tags: booty, Bricksquad, Food, jobs, lonely, ramen, slavery, unemployment
See, I think what people fail to realize, is that having a job is some beautiful shit. It’s like an eight hour handy from an angel whose palms are made from cherry-lanolin and butterfly milk (I’m not certain if either of those exist, but I bet they smell amazing), and after an arduous days effort creates an intense build-up, and the clock on the wall finally hits 5:00pm……………………
You know what’s not awesome?
Not having a job.
You know what else is not awesome?
But, I’m willing to bet that if the two of those not awesome things were to fight each other over who was the most not awesomest, Not Having a Job would whoop the monkey piss out of Slavery. It would stand over Slavery’s bruised body, with its foot on its chest, victoriously holding its fist in the air, and yell some grossly unsportsmanlike shit like, “BRIIIIIIICKSKWAAAAAAAD!”
…and then it would go home and post the video on ShmorldstarShmipshmop.com.
Not Having a Job is an asshole.
Almost three months ago, I left a plush job in California (where my work was actually valued and rewarding), to take a lesser job in North Carolina. A job I eventually ended up quitting a few weeks in, after being paid with bounced checks and various other fuckshittery. I decided to make the move to be closer to friends and family. Upon further review, friends and family are stupid. Anyhow, since leaving that job, I haven’t been able to find not a nan nada job anywhere. It’s been the most miserable days of my life. Yesterday, while I was enjoying the cottony soft soft cotton of the same t-shirt I wore the day before, I thought, “Dang, I bet slavery is waaaay better than being unemployed!” Specifically, for these four major reasons:
1.) Sense of Accomplishment – I gather, that at the end of a laborious day, a slave probably looks unto the field with his arms folded, chest out, and thinks smugly to himself, ” Look at that shit. I’m a bad muhfuggah! ” Because nothing makes you feel better than knowing you’ve done a hard days work. Know what I did today? Same thing I’ve done every day for the past week. Wake up at 10, watch an hour of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, followed by another hour of Meet the Browns, spend a thousand hours on my iphone playing Draw Something with people I’ve never met before, and two push-ups. I’ve achieved nothing. Maybe I’ll build an arcade out cereal boxes. F*ck that little kid!
2.) Slavery Food- You know what unemployment food is? Ramen. I’ve eaten so much ramen lately that I fart beef flavored dust. Just yesterday, I made a sandwich out of lettuce, taco cheese and the sausages I picked off a leftover frozen pizza. It’s a totally undignified cuisine. Unlike slavery food, which includes a number of my now favorite foods (cornbread, field peas, miscellaneous animal parts, lemonade and cabbage). I get a tongue boner just thinking about it. Slaves ate better than most good job havin’-ass niggas…and definitely better than vegans.
3.) Resume Building- There’s a faction of highly desirable skills developed from plantation work that would make one an undeniable candidate for any job. A slave could virtually walk into any corporate office, and astound any potential employer.
Interviewer: “So, I see you worked at Slavery? Can you tell me briefly about any skills you may have that qualify you for this position?”
Slave: “Well, suh, I’m a slave.”
Interviewer: “Excellent, you’re hired!”
Meanwhile, in an interview not so far away:
Interviewer: “So, I see you’re currently unemployed? Can you tell me briefly about any skills you may have that qualify you for this position?”
Me: “I’m really good at Draw Something and I can fart beef flavored dust!”
4.) Sociability- Unemployment is the absolute loneliest, sad-song singingest shit Jesus ever created on the planet of the Earths. Everyday, from 9 to 5, it’s like the entire universe just stops existing to me, and I feel like a lonely ass puppy waiting for my owner to come back, cause everybody I know is at work. Probably doing awesome things, like sending faxes and transferring phone calls. Do you know how long eight hours is in lonely puppy time? Approximately 1 billion years. At least in slavery, your whole posse was out there with you. In the field singing songs and cracking “Yo’ mama so slavery” jokes. I bet those jokes were hilarious. Also, if you’re unemployed, you can forget about knocking boots. Girls ain’t trying to hump a dude with a scarlet “U” on his nuts. Which is totally unfair, cause even those non job havin’ heifers will turn you down. But, it don’t work that way at slavery. At slavery, all Gods children are created equal. Poor, black and funky. You’re Def Jef, and she’s Michel’le…all in the same gang. Bang, bang, bang, bang.
Look, I’m not saying that slavery was one big carnival of good food and booty-hump, what I’m saying is…HIRE ME! Please?
Boktown, have you ever been unemployed? For how long? Did it suck? Is slavery still hiring? Don’t you think Uncle Curtis is a funny? I think he’s funny.