tags: asshole, Blogs, consistent, failure, honey badger, muppet face, oprah, success, the simpsons tevin campbell. shmorldstarshmipshmop, w.c. fields, writers
The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there if you’re willing to work. -Oprah Winfrey
What a crock of sh*t.
You know what else is a crock of sh*t? A ceramic pot, filled generously with prodigal bales of human excrement. Which I’d assume is the derivation of that phrase. Which is gross. Because it implies that at some point in colonial history, there lived a Crock-of-sh*tter and a Crock-of-sh*ttee. And in all of his repugnant trickery, the Sh*tter convinced a starved Sh*ttee to eat a bowl of what he said was “Brown Bison Chilli.” The Sh*ttee eagerly tasted from the pot, and upon first spoonful he belted, “BLECH! This is not delicious Brown Bison Chilli at all! THIS IS A CROCK OF SH*T! I have fallen for your flimflammery once again!” And thus, birthed the phrase, “Crock of sh*t.” The Sh*tter was probably French. The French are disgusting. I hate the French.
And while that itself may be a crock of sh*t, there’s still no crock sh*ttier than that sh*t crock of a statement Oprah just said.
And thats why Harpo beat her.
See, here’s my plight…. This isn’t my first blog. I’ve been writing blogs for quite some time now. Truth be told, Im pretty good at it. I mean, not to toot it my own boot it, but sometimes, I’ll write a blog so irreverently opposite of terrible, that I’ll immediately run downstairs, stick my entire desktop to the refrigerator with a blue ribbon magnet that reads 1st place for “Got damn, n*gga! Datshitcray!” and just stand by it…smiling. All. Damn. Day.
That boy good.
Problem is…I still cant manage to garner a reading audience large enough to make other bloggers jealous of the number of facebook likes I get. But alas, isn’t short for Alaska. My shortcomings in the reader department are nobody’s fault but my own. I’ve been reading and researching you other bloggers who blog on your successful blogs, and realized why your blog is so much more successful than mine…
1.) You’re an a**hole- Not that I know that personally, I’m just basing my assumptions off the clues provided in your “About me” sections. Clues like, “I’m an a**hole” and “…you don’t have to like what I write, I just love being an a**hole, f*ck you!” Look, Im not here to pass judgement (or the peas)…but it sounds like somebody could use a visit from Hugglesby, the Tickle Dragon.
As a reader, that sh*t gives me the muppet face. As a writer, I cant just be that fervent about making those type of ridiculous anus statements about myself. I want you to like what I write. Plus, nobody likes a yay-hole. I want my readers and I (not me and my readers) to be friends. After reading my blogs, I want us all to go to a combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell and split a ginormous Mango Fruitista Freeze™ , with a deep-dish pepperoni and friendship pizza.
But, who am I, right? You’re the one with the all the readers. So…here’s a trophy. You are the a**holiest! You are the honeybadger of the blog world…and you just dont give a sh*t. Your benevolent sphincter emits a luminous beam of fanciful blustering over the keyboard…and all the angels love it.Way to go, toughguy!
2.) You’re consistent- You know how you do that really cool thing you do? You know, that thing where you write one blog…and then write another one…and then another, until youve written like 4 or 5 in a week. Consecutively; for weeks, months, to a year? I’ono how you be doin’nat? Thats seriously a boner softening dilemma for me. I’ll want to write something new everyday, but then…when out of nowhere….BAM! Life sh*t happens! And instead of providing you with that gucci gucci, louie louie, fendi fendi blogga…I end up protecting hungry babies from bellybutton flies, fighting off hurricanes with my bare kung-fu hands…or reading your stupid blog. So, to you, Mr. and Mrs Consistency, I tip my hat. Keep up the good work. I applaud that, cause for whatever reason, Jesus didn’t give me that talent. All he gave me was great complexion and the ability to whoop the ever-loving baboon-sh*t out of third graders in Battleship. “Whats that? B-9? Oops, sorry, missed again, lil n*gga! …..Howzabout f-7? OHP, I sunk your tugboat? SUCK IT, B*TCH!”
You’re Shmorldstarshmipshmop- You post all the latest in fat black women punching fat white women, while the washed up R & B singer next door is simultaneously filming, and getting a blo-jo from a 17 year old stripper who’s currently giving birth to a Waka Flocka while her boyfriend is hiring midget crackheads to do the jerk in his new rap video, “All My N*ggas Hate When that N*gga V-Nasty says ‘N*gga, N*gga!”...at Red Lobster.
4.) You’re so focused, man- You’re probly astoundingly adept at maintaing a primary center of attraction. You acquire, identify, engage target and destroy. Me? I can barely pay attention long enough to engage the target. Why would you engage a target? You can’t marry a target. My mom once bought me some pants from Target. They made my balls itch. Remember when I said “plight” earlier? I dont ever use that word in real life. That word is gay. Why does Kat Williams hate Mexicans so much? Do Mexicans write blogs? I’ve never seen a Mexican blog before, I bet it taste like churros. Im freakin hungry. Whatever happened to Reggie from 227? Is Jimmy walker mad that he looks like a out-of-work groundskeeper from space? I wonder if people in space have pancake booty? Space sucks. Wait, what was I saying?
5.) You know what your blog is about- Your blog has a well established, and clearly expressed theme. Mines, to wit, does not. At one point, I thought I could say with extreme confidence that my blog was about creating a forum where individuals of diverse backgrounds can openly share experiences and safely express thoughts, questions, and concerns in regards to differing cultures. But, really, it’s just a bunch of ignant fibbledee fabble that probly makes me sound like a racist. Plus, a couple posts ago, I wrote about building a robot that kicks babies in the soft spot if they stare at you too long. I’m not a racist, I just hate the way white people parade their feet, like their feet are so much better than ours because their feet never had to run from slavery…and I think its totally okay to kick a baby in the soft spot if they stare. Staring is rude.
6.) You dont like boobies as much as me – There’s a lot boobies to be looked at on the internet, who has time to write blogs?
If at first you dont succeed, try , try again. Then quit. Theres no need in being a fool about it. - W.C. Fields
He knew what he was taumbout.
Anyway, Im sure there’s an ochocinco-billion more reasons why my blog aint not as successful as I’d like it to be. What am I missing? What should I do? What can I change about my blog that’ll make you guys want to go to the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell with me? Tell me what you want me to do? Or not. I dont give a sh*t. If you dont like what I write, f*ck you, cause Im an a**hole.